Category Archives: Trust

More Than a Sparrow

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imageI am notoriously a poor sleeper. I’ve often said that being on call for so many years and having to jump out of bed to go deliver a baby, ruined my sleep pattern forever. But I think it is more than just that. Sometimes my mind stays active and I just cannot turn off my thoughts long enough to go to sleep. I know many people who have this same problem. I realize that this is anxiety but it’s difficult to just relax and let go of the worries of the day. The more I try, the more the thoughts circle in my head. I pray to not worry and I am better for a time, then I have another night like last night with no sleep again.

I know that Jesus said to not worry about anything. The Father takes care of even the sparrows. But Lord, you gave me a mind that thinks much more than the sparrow. It ruminates on every bad thing that has happened and magnifies what might happen in the future. Memory can be used in helpful as well as hurtful ways. If I chose to remember all that God has done for me, then I am grateful. If I chose to recall how the Lord has walked with me through the valley of the shadow of death but also along good, fruitful paths, I am comforted and confident in the future. But if I focus on the negative in my life, the circle of worry begins again.

This ability to remember and reason are solely human traits. Some animals can do this but only in very rudimentary, basic ways. The human mind is an amazing organ, better than any computer invented. If such a computer was ever made that performed up to the mind’s standard, it would be done only because God gave us the mind to do it and instilled in us His creative force. The mind is powerful but yet it can also torment us and hold us down with fear and remorse. Animals can fear but we humans take fear to a new level by fearing things we have never experienced and likely never will. We are able to extrapolate the tragedies that have befallen others as if they have happened to us. This is empathy and is an offshoot of compassion but taken to an extreme, it can be debilitating. Our information age with news reports 24/7 can promote anxiety and fear if we fail to turn it off.

Using our mind as a transformational tool is the key. Our mind controls our habits. Any good or bad habit is formed in the mind first. Change your thoughts and your actions will naturally follow. The Apostle Paul encouraged his readers, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Through human will and God’s power, this can happen. I have seen amazing things occur when will and power move in concert with each other. Those who have gone through the 12 steps of AA can attest to this. Transform the mind and actions will be conformed to your thoughts.

Ah, Lord…so do your work in me. Hold my thoughts captive. Tonight give me rest, not just through my will but though your endless power. Your eye is on the sparrow. How much more than do you watch after me.

Amen!

Risking Failure

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imageMany years ago, a friend of mine told me of some odd advice given him by his high school counselor. This friend was brilliant and was headed to the Air Force Academy. He was successful in everything he had done up to that point. But his counselor advised him to purposely choose to do something that he would likely fail so that he would experience failure first hand. He joined the track team and chose an event for which he had no natural ability. He struggled and struggled but pushed on. He wasn’t a total failure but he certainly was far from the top of the field of athletes. The experience impacted him and gave him a different perspective. I have lost contact with him over the years but I have not forgotten his counselors advice.

As I look back over my life, I see myself almost always choosing paths that fit my natural abilities. The goals I have sought are ones that with some hard work, I could actually accomplish. I’m not saying that everything fell in my lap and was easy. But what I am saying is that I have stayed within the boundaries of my own human strength and ability. It’s not often that I have stepped out and truly risked failure.But risking failure is what I have done with dirt bike riding.

In 2009, I broke my leg while riding with my husband Tim, on the back of his dirt bike. I was wearing a helmet but I was not prepared for his heavy motorcycle to fall on my leg when we lost control in mud. If I had been wearing proper foot gear, I’m sure I would not have been injured. It still qualifies as the most extreme pain I have ever experienced even when compared to childbirth. The worst of it was the fact that we were out in the middle of nowhere and  I had to get back on the motorcycle to ride out. I ultimately needed surgery for the fracture and had a titanium rod and plates put in my left leg. It took about 6 months but my leg is really back to normal. I rarely ever notice problems with it now

For a couple of years, I really was afraid to get back on a dirt bike and no one really blamed me. But then it struck me. Why am I afraid of this? Tim could teach me how to ride and after a little convincing, he did. We have ridden on numerous trails in Indiana, Kentucky and West Virginia. My skills are improving but does this activity come naturally to me? Certainly not! I struggle every time we go. My mind is constantly assessing the obstacles in front of me. Do I need to downshift and give it more power to get up this hill? Should I go around a muddy area or through it? Can I make it through this creek or is it too deep?  Tim says eventually I won’t have to think anymore. It will just come to me what to do. This hasn’t happened yet. The trail rides are a challenge for me and I fail in some way every time we go. But aside from a few bruises on my body and my pride, it is good for me. I am stretching myself beyond my abilities. As long as Tim continues to have patience with me, I will continue through the failures.

Stretching beyond our normal abilities is really what God asks of us. He has always done this throughout history. Virtually no one when a God-given task was presented to them said, “Sure, I can do that.”  Even Moses argued with God to send someone else to Pharaoh. To go and do what God asks us, we must risk failure. Our human abilities will fail us. We must trust that God has a bigger plan. It’s when our possibilities end, that God-possibilities begin. Faithfully moving forward even when we can’t see any way we will succeed, is when God’s power is revealed. Later in Moses’s life when he sent 12 spies into the land of Canaan, ten of the spies returned afraid and reluctant to proceed into the land because of giants they found there. Only Joshua and Caleb looked beyond their human abilities and trusted in God for their success. Because the ten spies convinced the Israelites that the land could not be taken, they did not cross over the Jordan River but wandered in the desert as nomads. Forty years later, Joshua and Caleb were the only 2 of their generation to actually enter the Promised Land. They had faith that God would take care of the giants and he did.

So what are the giants that frighten you? We all have them. I challenge you to stretch yourself beyond your normal abilities in the small choices. Trust God to get you though, just like Joshua and Caleb. When a big task comes along, that will take a miracle to accomplish, then you will have confidence to move forward in faith even if it means risking failure. God will go with you to the Promised Land. Count on it.

Truth Sets Us Free

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imageMy church has started the Daniel Plan study which is a 6 week journey to a healthier life. The starting point for the study is an understanding that Jesus accepts us right where we are. No matter what our weight, no matter how unhealthy our habits, no matter what we’ve done in the past, Jesus loves us.  This is the truth and this truth should liberate us. Jesus said it himself, “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”  However, so many of us seem to believe this only in theory but don’t actualize it in our own life.  Somehow we think Jesus accepts others but the dark secrets we hold in our own souls are just too bad.  We condemn ourselves and think Jesus must condemn us too.

Nothing could be further from the truth.  If we dig into the Gospels, the story of Jesus’s ministry, we see him loving the outcasts and marginalized over and over.  He treated them just like regular people. He struck up a conversation with the Samaritan woman at the well who was ostracized by her community. He called up to Zacheus who was watching him from a sycamore tree and basically invited himself for dinner.  Zacheus was a hated tax collector. Jesus did the outrageous and the socially incorrect all the time.  He wasn’t even afraid to touch lepers.  So why do we think he would not do the same for us today?

I believe the root of the problem is unforgiveness.  Not unforgiveness of others, but unforgiveness of ourselves.  Sometimes the most difficult person to forgive is yourself.  The negative voices that reverberate in our head can be overwhelming at times. They say things like, “If people really knew you, they would think you were a bad person.”  “You say you are a believer, but why do you keep making the same mistakes over and over?”  “You’re just a failure; Jesus doesn’t really love you.”  We hang onto shame and begin to believe these lies.  We are unable to embrace the magnitude of Jesus’s love for us so we are bound in the chains of guilt.

So why is embracing acceptance so important at the starting point of the Daniel Plan? Because change just doesn’t happen in a hopeless situation. Love and acceptance liberate us to move forward. This is why a supportive community is so essential.  When we are accepted as we are, we develop trust. Trust leads to open honesty and vulnerability within our group.  We are then able to accept encouragement and accountability on our journey to a healthier life. Change is possible when we see our life though the eyes of God as precious and unique.

I see this concept played out every day as a physician.  The doctor/patient relationship is based on trust: trust in the physician’s knowledge and abilities but also trust that the patient is willing to listen and follow through with a treatment plan.  This compact of trust is sealed when the patient feels care and acceptance by their physician right where they are.  They may be a total mess physically and emotionally but if they sense that they are valued, not judged, they will be much more likely to move forward in a direction toward better health and well-being.  The converse is also true. If the patient perceives that the physician could care less about them and sees them as a hopeless case then they will see themselves as hopeless. They will simply give up and not see change as possible or worth trying. 

The doctor/patient relationship is analogous to the relationship between those people who make up “the Body of Christ”, the church.  Too many times newcomers are greeted with judgement and not love.  No wonder we often see more people leaving from the back door than are coming in our front doors.  We all enter the sanctuary of God in need.  Some of our needs are obvious but most are hidden.  Only in a community built on trust are we able to be open, honest and allow vulnerability.  When we are accepted by the church just as we are, then change is possible.  When we fall down and fail as we all will, in the accepting church, there will be many there to pick us back up and move forward again.

When the church is accepting and loving then people see Jesus through us. We are witnesses of the Truth in action and we are set free.  Free to be all that God imagined us to be.  However, as Lysa Terkeurst wrote in her book, “Unglued”, we move forward in “imperfect progress,” often two steps forward and one step back.   But that’s ok because we are loved right where we are. Believe it!

 

 

 

Dreaming in Color

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March is coming in like a lion with more snow and cold temperatures in the forecast.  This year has been dubbed “Snowmageddon” since it has been one of the snowiest in recorded Indiana history.  The last time I remember a season like this was the winter we experienced “The Blizzard of ’78”.  Over the years, it has taken on legendary significance.  Even with our improved snow removal, I believe a storm of that severity would shut Indianapolis down today as it did then. This winter has been quite a challenge too. We have had so many repeat storms dropping up to 10″ of snow at a time, that most Hoosiers are groaning and just saying, “Not again”!

The dark days and the bland landscape of browns, greys and white can tend to drag us down.  Don’t get me wrong though. After a snowstorm clears out and the sky is a crystal clear blue, the carpet of pure white is beautiful.  The trees at times shimmer with their icy coating in the sun.  The problem is this beauty doesn’t last.  The snow gets dirty and just plain yucky as we trudge to and from work in our multi-layered apparel, praying that we don’t get stuck or slide off the slippery roads.  It just gets old.

So as we storm into March, I’m dreaming in color.  My soul is longing for spring. Even though we can barely see it yet, things are changing.  The days are slowly getting longer and the pollen counts are actually going up.  We’re seeing more and more Robins at the bird feeders. It never ceases to amaze me that the trees and the birds are getting ready for spring long before we humans see it coming.  The promise of spring is one of rebirth and of resurrection.  The things that appear now to be dead, come alive again in glorious rainbow colors all around us.

I remember the first winter that Shadrach was with us.  I think he was always cold that year even with the large down coat we had purchased for him.  He had not experienced anything like this in equatorial Liberia.  He worried about the trees since they all appeared to be dead.  I reassured him that spring would come at last and he would be amazed how everything survived the long, cold Indiana winter.

It is no coincidence that Easter falls in the spring.  God’s promise of rebirth and resurrection is reenacted every year when the grass turns a brilliant emerald green and flowers pop up in shades of amethyst, ruby red and gold.  No wonder that the apostle John in the last pages of Revelation describes the new Jerusalem as the colors of precious gems with streets of gold.  When the new heaven and the new earth arrive, their colors will be more spectacular than anything our eyes have beheld before.  John had trouble describing their beauty so he compared them to things he knew.  The foundations of the Holy City were decorated with jasper, sapphire, agate, emerald, onyx, ruby, chrysolite, beryl, topaz, turquoise, jacinth and amethyst. The gates were pearls and the streets were gold transparent as glass. There was light everywhere shining from the glory of God.  Can you picture it?  It’s a rainbow of colors shining for all to enjoy forever.

In “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” written by CS Lewis, when the lion, Aslan returned, the long continuous winter imposed by the witch came to an end.  The snow began to melt, birds began to sing and the flowers to bloom.  The promised return of the King arrived with the spring.  The witch’s control over Narnia was over.

It may not look like it but spring is coming.  Soon the snow will begin to melt, the birds will sing and the flowers start to bloom.  We can count on it, just as we can count on Jesus’ promise that He will return.  Evil will be no more and we will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Self-Confidence or God-Confidence

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So much of western culture is “me” oriented.  We have manuals to boost our self-esteem, to promote self-actualization and to bolster our self-confidence.  We are convinced by shrewd advertising that “I’m worth it.”  We buy into this thinking and enthrone ourselves as our own gods.  When we make ourselves into gods however, we cannot allow the rightful King to rule our lives.  Jesus told his disciples, ” If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.”  This is not an easy task. Self-denial is certainly counter to the culture in which we live. How do we remain self-confident in what we do here in this world yet die to self? What if rather than seeking self-confidence, we are “God-confident”?  What would this look like?

Instead of being solely dependent on our own abilities, we would depend on God working through us.  Our focus would be outward, not inward; looking out for others, not ourselves.  We would not be doormats though because we would stand for what is right.  Jesus was certainly not a doormat as He stood His ground with the religious leaders of His day.  Our leadership would be enabling and encouraging others to be all they can be.  We would not worry about material things but would be confident that God would provide what we needed.  This would free us to take risks for good.  We would be creative beyond our own ideas  because we could be open to the creative energy of God flowing through us.  We would be co-creators with God.  I believe this is really what He desires.  He doesn’t want us to be puppets who only can act when manipulated.  But He wants us to work side-by-side with Him: co-workers entrusted with the stewardship of the earth and its contents.

Overall we’ve done a pretty poor job with being good stewards but there are high points interspersed throughout history that give us hope.  A few of these include the discovery of the polio vaccine and penicillin that opened the door for other medications that changed our world, the fall of the Berlin Wall leading to the disintegration of the Iron Curtain , the end of Apartheid in South Africa through forgiveness and reconciliation , the abolition of slavery in the US and the subsequent Civil Rights Movement. All these accomplishments were gained through self-sacrifice and sometimes martyrdom for a greater good.

Each of us are given talents or gifts to use wisely as stewards of what God has entrusted to us.  In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus tells a parable about a man going on a journey who left property in the care of three servants. He gave to one 5 talents (each talent was worth more than 15 years’ wages of a laborer), to another two, to another one, each according to his ability. When the man returned from his journey, the first two servants had doubled the money entrusted to them but the third servant buried his talent in the ground. The only servant who was chastised was the one who did nothing with what was given to him.

We all have different talents given to us according to our ability.  No one is exempt.  Medicine and writing are the two talents given to me that I am aware of.  Maybe there are more that I have buried deep inside myself that I have never used.  Both of my talents are God-enhanced especially my writing.  I don’t know what I will write for my next blog post until I write it. There is no plan, it just comes to me at the right moment.  This is not me but God. He puts the ideas in my heart and I put them on paper.  We are co-creators and through this process I feel closer to God than ever before.  But I haven’t relinquished all of myself to God yet.  Little by little, layer by layer, resistance falls away.  It’s like an onion being peeled.  When I let go of external pressures and open myself to God, I then understand the joy and peace Paul speaks of in the letter to the Philippians.  But when I grasp onto myself and my needs again, then worry overwhelms me.  I move back and forth between dependence on God and dependence on myself.  But I can see that bit by bit I am changing.  God is patient with me.  Like a good parent, He lets me fall to teach me lessons.  He doesn’t protect me from life but stands by me through it. I need more than a lifetime to let Him peel the layers of self-protection and self-centeredness away to reveal the person He sees that I can be.  I imagine that a good portion of this happens in heaven after I die.  It seems that we are all at different stages when we go from here.  But eventually He will perfect us.  It won’t be by our power but by His. However, we have to allow the transformation.  We can’t hold on to being our own god for this to happen.  Self-confidence must be converted to God-confidence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fear Not

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This past week has been quite a struggle digging out from the “polar vortex” that hit the eastern half of the US leaving huge piles of snow and our roads impassable.  The schools have been closed for 5 days.  We haven’t seen any winter weather this prolonged since the Blizzard of ’78 which has taken on legendary significance in this area of Indiana.  We have all had our fair share of anxiety, worrying about whether we would lose power during the snowstorm or worrying about navigating the snow clogged roads for days after the storm.  This worry became extreme as people cleaned out the grocery shelves when meteorologists warned us of this impending snow.  Really Indianapolis, how many loaves of bread do you need for a few snowbound days?  We can chuckle about it now, but fear, real or perceived, can be overwhelming.

Over and over in the Bible in both the Old and New Testaments, we read “Fear Not.”  Jesus strongly warned against worrying saying that our present day has worry enough for itself.  If God cares for the lilies in the field and the birds of the air, He will care for us even more.  We read this but it’s difficult to live it.  There is a big difference between real fear and perceived fear but often we treat them as one and the same.  Real fear is the response to the crisis situation right in front of us in the present.  This kind of fear motivates us to act for self-preservation.  It is the “fight or flight” response that is hard-wired in all of us.  We need this to get us out or through a real crisis. Perceived fear is worry or anxiety.  This is the fear of “What If’s”.  This kind of fear can range from mild concern to severe anxiety that paralyzes, keeping the individual from being able to function or even leave home. Worry can literally rob us of joy and can keep us from living our lives fully. As a Family Physician, I have personally seen a large increase in anxiety since 9/11 and the advent of 24/7 news coverage.  We are inundated with information about every disaster around the world and it can be too much for many people.  I have literally had to tell patients to turn off the news because they cannot walk away from it and it is causing overwhelming anxiety.  I’m not in any way saying that we should not have empathy for those people going through a crisis but we don’t have to ingest every detail. We are in an age of information overload and we all need to be cautious of how much we expose ourselves.

When turning off the constant negative information is not enough, what do we do to overcome debilitating anxiety?  Talking to another about our fears can be very helpful.  Many times just knowing that others are going through the same thing we are can be tremendously calming.  Seek professional counseling to work through your anxiety.  If indicated, use medication prescribed by your doctor to alleviate severe symptoms.  Avoid addictive medications as much as possible since these can trade one problem for another. Avoid self medicating with alcohol for the same reasons.  Throughout this whole process, pray for strength.  As much as possible, turn your worries over to Jesus.  One of my favorite Bible passages speaks to this in Philippians chapter 4, “Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”  When you realize that Paul wrote this from a jail cell, it adds extra significance.  How could he rejoice while imprisoned?  How could he have peace of mind when he was about to be executed?  I believe Paul must have seen opportunity in his circumstance to preach the gospel to his jailers. Also he was not rooted in this world but had his sights on heaven and eternity.  He was fully aware of the presence of Christ who walked with him through all his trials right to the end.  He was not spared from suffering but he was moved through it by the Lord.

So how can we not worry when we know that bad things happen to good people?  Suffering is a reality. Life is full of it. However, the fact is that the great majority of our worries will never happen. If we truly are honest, we see this in our lives when we look back.  Our worries did not change a thing, they just caused unnecessary internal suffering.  We don’t know the future but God does and this can be reassuring that no matter what happens in the in-between, all will work out for good in the end.  We are not abandoned when we do go through suffering and we all will suffer no matter who you are.  In Psalm 23, King David acknowledges God’s promise when he wrote, “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”  Notice that he doesn’t say “if” or “when” I walk through the darkest valley. David wrote in present tense.  He was experiencing God’s presence in his own dark valley at the time he was writing this psalm.

So use fear in a healthy way to prepare for or avoid harmful circumstances if you can but don’t get caught in the trap of obsessive worry. Jesus wants us to live life to its fullest, abundantly.  Worry holds us back from fully realizing this abundance and keeps us from being the person we were created to be.  Fear not. Remember God is in control and holds each of us in the palm of His hand.  We can count on it.

 

 

 

The Art of Letting Go

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For Christmas, my husband Tim received several nice sweaters and fleeces but he really has no room to fit these new things in his closet.  It really needs to be cleaned out but I’m not touching it.  He has some crazy looking sweaters in there that he can’t part with that I’m sure are from the 1980’s.  If I pulled them out of the closet and sent them to Goodwill or Red Bird Mission, I would be in trouble.  I will leave Fibber McGee’s closet alone for Tim to deal with when he’s ready.

The new year is a good time to sort through the items that we’re not using and give them to someone who needs them.  But many of us are hesitant to do so.  We think we just might use them someday or we have memories attached to the items that make it difficult to let go. We really need to clean out the clutter but we can’t or more correctly, won’t do it.

There is an art to letting go whether it be an item, an emotion or a bad memory.  We often hang on with tight fists even though the weight of them is dragging us down.  They are the baggage we carry with us through life. As we grow older, the baggage becomes heavier and unbearable if we won’t set some of it down.  The baggage becomes so much a part of us that it is frightening to be without it even when Jesus offers to take it for us.  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Most of us are attempting to carry our burdens alone.  If you join together with Jesus, as a team yoked together, He carries the greatest part of the burden.  Our part becomes much lighter.

Several years ago when I attended my Walk to Emmaus week-end as a “pilgrim”, my table was creating a skit to help describe what the grace of God really means.  I was elected to be Jesus in the skit and was garbed in one of our bed sheets as my costume.  The others in my group were supposed to give me their baggage.  We had our duffle bags labeled with various burdens:  Pain, Unforgiveness, Anger, Grief, to name a few. All went well until the last woman would not give me her bag.  The skit became too real for her since she carried heavy baggage of shame since she was a child.  I said everything I could think of to convince her to give me her bag.  We had agreed earlier that as Jesus I could not just take the bag from the others in the skit but they would need to freely give them to me.  Finally after what seemed like an eternity up in front of 90 other women on the Walk, she tearfully handed me her bag.  It was an emotionally powerful moment and I hope a turning point for her.  She had hung on to shame for so long that she defined herself by it.  I have not seen her since that week-end came to an end but I pray that she has been able to leave her baggage with Jesus for good.

What clutter do you need to clean out of your closet? What baggage to do you need to hand over to Jesus? As stated in the book of Hebrews, “…let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes upon Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith…”  Baggage such as unforgiveness and unresolved anger poisons our souls and sucks the joy right out of our lives.  Only by focusing on Jesus and handing over these burdens to Him, can we truly find the peace that transcends all understanding.

Lost Choices

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When we went to Ecuador with the Timmy Foundation (now Timmy Global Health) in 2000 on a medical mission trip, my daughter Rozie wanted to bring a young boy back home with us.  His name was Rene’ and he lived in the orphanage visited by our group during our time in Quito.  On our first work day, I had gone to shadow an Ecuadorean pediatrician at the Tierra Nueva Clinic in the south part of the city and my mom with Garrett and Rozie went to an orphanage run by the Daughters of Charity. This is the same order of Sisters who run St. Vincent Hospital in Indianapolis and this orphanage bore the same name. When we met up that evening for dinner at the retreat center that was our home for the week, the first words the kids said to me were, “Mom, you have to come with us tomorrow to the orphanage.  All the kids are sick!”  With a little rearranging of schedules, I was able to go with them the next day.  Our group was working with a classroom of 6 and 7 year olds.  Several of them were ill with coughs and more than a few had scabies.  We had brought with us a large collection of medications from the US so I was able the next day to bring back what each of the kids needed. I was glad to go to the orphanage even though this wasn’t on my original agenda.  I was able to help out a little, to love on the kids in the orphanage and to meet Rene’.

Rene’ was a handsome 6-year-old with soulful big brown eyes.  Rozie bonded with him the first day and they were buddies all week.  It was near the end of our stay that she asked me if we could adopt him from the orphanage.  We were told when we first came that by law the children in orphanages could only be adopted by Ecuadorean families.  So my answer to her had to be no.  The good-byes when we left the last day were tearful. Rozie was not the only one crying for many in our group had become close to the children in their care that week.  My friend, Scott who was one of the leaders of our group, had to tear himself away from a little boy who had been so ill with bronchitis earlier but was now improved greatly with antibiotics.  He asked me if I thought he would be ok.  Yes he would, but would we? It was so difficult for us to leave.

It was about 6 months later that Padre (Father) Jose’ Carollo, the priest who founded Tierra Nueva Clinic in South Quito, came to the US for a visit at Christmas.  Padre was a big bear of a man who loved to hug everyone around him.  We came to love him for who he was and what he had done over his lifetime for the poor in Quito.  Everywhere in Quito if the name of Padre Carollo was mentioned, doors would open in welcome.  He was like the Mother Theresa of Ecuador.  Padre did not speak English but the love of Jesus radiated from him.  He knew that some of us from our group had become very attached to the children in the St. Vincent Orphanage. Through interpretation by my friend Scott who speaks fluent Spanish, Padre said to me that he could help us get around the rule that the orphans could only be adopted by Ecuadorean parents.  He was so well thought of and had so much influence in Quito that I was sure he could help us adopt Rene’ if I gave the word to move forward.

Thoughts raced through my mind. What should I do?  It had only been a year since my marriage had dissolved.  I was basically a single mom to my 3 children.  Was it fair to them or to Rene’ to bring him into our family at this time?  My heart said that I should say no so he would have a chance to be adopted by an Ecuadorean family and stay in his own country. I thanked Padre for his offer of help but I told him no that day 13 years ago.

Many times I have wondered how Rene’ is doing and I have prayed for him often.  His picture with Rozie hung on our refrigerator for years.  I found out through Padre Carollo that all the children in his class were eventually adopted.  My hope was that a loving family found him and gave him opportunities to succeed in Ecuador. He would be 19 now!

We all have crossroads in our lives when a certain choice takes us down one path and not another.  Some are active choices and some we simply don’t choose.  Not choosing is a choice in itself.  In Andy Andrews’ book, “The Lost Choice” he explains this concept when he says, “You have been created with the ability to change the world.  Every single choice you make…every singe action you take…matters.  But remember, the converse is also true.  Every choice you do not make…every action you do not take…matters just as much!”  When I was given the choice to help Shadrach or not in 1993, I said yes.  This took me on a journey that changed my life and his forever.  The effect of this one decision rippled through my whole family and community.  The results have been dramatic.  I thank God for prompting me to take the risk to say yes even though it seemed a little crazy at the time. My life has been blessed beyond belief because of this one decision.

As we cross over into the new year this week,  it is an appropriate time to take an inventory of the choices we have made in the past year.  Whether we judge these choices to be good or bad, there is no doubt that they have made a difference in our lives and the lives of those in our circle of influence.  Many years ago I had the choice to pursue adopting a young boy from Ecuador.  I don’t know if I would even have been successful if I would have accepted help from Padre Carollo.  Was it the “right” choice to leave him in the orphanage to be adopted later by an Ecuadorean family?  I may never know the answer to this question this side of heaven.  This was a “Lost Choice” in that I can never go back to change that decision.  But I trust that my God answers prayers. And because of this trust, I know that Rene’ has always been held in the palm of God’s hand and he is right where He wants him to be.

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This story was written to honor the memory of Padre Jose’ Carollo who died in the mid 2000’s of cancer.  I feel fortunate to have met this friend of Jesus.  When in Ecuador I told Padre Carollo that I regretted not being able to share in the Eucharist during mass in his church since I am not catholic.  In response, he asked me, “Don’t we believe in the same God?”  “Yes,” I answered.  Next he said something I will never forget. “I will serve you the Eucharist.”  If more of us in the Church universal were as inclusive as Padre Carollo, our world would be transformed for Christ.  Thank you Padre for your Christ-like example.  Throughout your life, you were the hands and feet of Jesus.