Some of my best memories involve the carefree days of childhood.  By today’s standards, it’s a miracle I survived to adulthood.  The creative energies of my cousins, Brad, Mona and Sheryl, and my sister, Beth and I were unstoppable.  A few blankets over some tables and chairs made a fantastic cave.  With discarded cardboard boxes, we designed forts.  When we were older, some old boards and nails scavanged from the garage were used to build a tree house.  We had an obstacle course in the barn that tested our agility.  If we could round up a few of the neighbor kids we had impromptu games of softball and croquet in our front yard.  When the weather was bad, we had running games of monopoly that went on for days.  Our favorite books would be made into plays.  Mom would usually be our audience.  She was our stage manager, supplying needed props for our productions.  Mom was supportive but she generally stayed out of our way so we could create. She was housewife and stay at home mom rolled into one.  She had better things to do than watch our every move since she also did all the accounting for my family’s aviation business.  I for one am thankful that she didn’t try to micromanage us.  By stepping back, she allowed us to become independent, creative thinkers.  I believe we all are better adults for it.

Granted I come from a different generation, a part of the “Baby Boomers.” My children are “Millennials.”  They have grown up with personal computers, cell phones and video games.  I can always count on them to answer all my technology questions and some I didn’t even know to ask.  They have a multitude of choices from television channels to latte’s at Starbucks. They can use their phone GPS for directions and an app to tell if their airline flight is on time.  When I was young, our phone hung on the wall of our kitchen and if we weren’t home no one could leave us a message.  They just had to call us back.  We survived without being able to text our every move and send photo ops on Facebook for every occasion.  Dad did have this massive movie camera that he would use to film us at special events like birthdays and weddings.  It had such bright lights that we would all be squinting to look into the camera. It was quite a production and hilarious to watch now.  Times have certainly changed.  But have the needs of our children really changed?

The times when my children reminisce involve memories that have nothing to do with technology.  They fondly recall adventures with their cousins too like tobogganing at Pokagon State Park and canoeing down Sugar Creek.  They remember the time they put baby blue birds in a shoe box when they fell out of their nest and I attempted to return them as mama blue bird dive-bombed me while I was running across our yard.  Their hearts long for butter bread sandwiches and corn meal mush lovingly made by our elderly neighbors, Dick and Jo.  These events could have happened in any generation. They are timeless.

But none of these memories would exist if my children had not been given space just to be children.  I followed the example of my mother and gave them the chance to create themselves.  They weren’t scheduled for one activity after another. We did not travel from soccer to dance lessons to violin.  Generally they had one major activity at a time and they had to prove they were committed to it.  They were given free-rein to explore and to generate their own play dates with neighbor kids who happened to include their cousins.  Grandma lived just down the road and she was usually ready to make banana splits when asked politely.  They could stop over to visit with Dick and Jo and play with their numerous barn cats.  There were hundreds of possibilities to choose from to entertain themselves.  Were they all safe? No. Occasionally there would be cuts and bruises from their escapades.  Once my son, Garrett returned with a broken thumb after a sledding incident.  His cousin Lauren had stuffed his hand back in his glove after it had been injured and they continued sledding!  With freedom there is the possibility of poor choices.  However, I would contend that this freedom is worth it.

As a physician, I have witnessed too many parents who do everything for their kids in the name of “good parenting”,  The kids are enrolled in numerous activities for their enrichment. Mom and Dad are carpooling them all over the city, eating fast food night after night because there is no time for a sit-down dinner. Homework and school projects are being completed by the parents so their children can remain competitive rather then giving them sole responsibility for success or failure.  Children are sheltered from failure by setting up a false “everyone wins” environment.  But we are not helping our children by coddling and micromanaging them.  We are just setting them up for failure later in life. We wonder why a number of our youth flunk out of college or move back home because they can’t make it on their own.  As parents, we must be able to step back to allow our children to think independently, make choices and have the opportunity to fail before they are away from us.  Learning to handle failure is a lesson well learned when there is still a safety net under them.  If we don’t allow them up on the tightrope but always keep them closely tethered to the ground as youth, then they will never learn the skills needed to keep their balance as adults.

So I challenge this next generation of new parents, to really look at what it means to be a “good parent.”  Sometimes less is better.  If your goal is to raise your children to become independent thinking, creative adults, then they must have the space to grow into their potential. Give them the props like a great stage manager and then stand back. Let them have the freedom to produce their own life.  But make sure to be there with the applause!