Remember the Details

Posted on April 5, 2017 by Suzanne Montgomery

Yesterday was my little sister’s birthday. Gaynelle would have been 47 if she were still with us. It has been 42 years since she died. Such a long period of time has passed-almost half a century! Time is meaningless. For when a person is gone who was dearly loved, the love doesn’t go away with time. The pain from missing them fades but love and longing remain.

I don’t think of Gaynelle everyday as I did right after the accident but little things will remind me of her. Another child will have a blanket or scarf as she used to carry. A very blond little girl will bring back memories of her. Sometimes she just pops in my head out of nowhere and I will feel the familiar dull ache for her. I wish I could remember more of the everyday details. I don’t think I paid enough attention to all that she did when she was around. I was busy with high school and my part-time job at my dad’s airport. I never really imagined that there wouldn’t be another day to watch her and play with her. The expectation was that she would always be there, a little sister forever. But then suddenly, she was gone.

If this experience, has taught me anything, it is that life is fleeting. In one split second, my world was totally changed with all of my family. What was 5 was now 4. I don’t want fear to turn me into one who worries at every turn what’s to happen next. Will there be other tragedies and suffering? The answer is yes. Absolutely. None of us is immune. Jesus pretty much assured it when he said, “In the world you will have trouble”. But he added, “Take heart, for I have overcome the world.”

When something bad does happen, I don’t want that experience to transform me into a worrier who doesn’t enjoy life. Instead, I want to pay attention more to the details, to take in every wonderful part of those I love and store them in my heart. Even if they are separated from me by distance or by death, they are still deep within me. Their every moment is a cherished memory to be brought out of storage and held again in joy.

I have these cherished memories with Gaynelle but I wish there were more. She was with us less than 5 years. So little time to fill me up with memories. But some people have their loved ones for a much briefer time. I think of a friend who lost her granddaughter shortly after birth. Her daughter and son-in-law only had their baby girl for a few days, not years. But they made memories in the short time they had together.

In remembering Gaynelle, I am reminded of how brief our time really is in this life. Even 70-80 years go by in a blink of an eye. Remember, remember to not take any moment for granted. Enjoy the little details-the smiles, the laughter, even the tears. I don’t know what tomorrow brings. I hope it brings many more cherished moments. But if it doesn’t, I will store all of them I have been given joyfully in my heart.

What if?

Posted on August 28, 2014 by Suzanne Montgomery

What if we could rewrite our story? Would we get it any better the second time around? Even a small decision can make a large impact. The things that we consider as “bad” decisions or the tragedies in our lives, lead us in directions we might not have taken otherwise. Our decisions not only change where we are but they change who we are and they affect everyone around us. Andy Andrews in his book “The Butterfly Effect” describes several true scenarios in history that seemed inconsequential at the time but changed the course of events to come dramatically. Joshua Chamberlain’s choice to stand his ground at Gettysburg with his meager group of Union soldiers, turned the tide for the North to move on to victory in this battle and eventually, the Civil war. If the North had not won at Gettysburg, what would the USA be today? Would we be a world power or divided into numerous small countries like Europe? It’s mind-boggling to contemplate the impact of that one decision by one man so long ago.

In my own life, I am aware of the impact of many of my decisions. Yes, I have often wondered what the consequences would be if I was able to rewrite parts of my story. If we had not traveled to the city of Lebanon that icy February in 1975 to attend a band concert, would my sister Gaynelle still be alive today? If my mom had been driving instead of me, would she have been able to control the car on slick pavement?

What if, what if…? This is the question that hounds our souls! My sister would have been 44 years old now. I wonder if she were here, whether she would have a family and whether I would have more nieces and nephews to love. Only God knows the answers to my questions. I remember Dad saying not long after Gaynelle’s death that he wondered if she had been saved from something worse by dying when she was only 5 years old. Perhaps she was shielded from unimaginable suffering she would have endured had she continued to live here on earth. Would she choose to stay knowing what she knows now? Even though I’m sure that she would want to be with us, I imagine she would choose heaven. She has seen the “other side of the veil.” She knows Jesus face to face. How magnificent that would be! She also knows that in a very brief amount of time compared to eternity, we will be with her again. What is our hope, is her reality. But I still miss her even after all these years. I long to hold her, laugh with her and tell her that I have loved her always even in her absence. I haven’t forgotten the joy she brought into the world. She was a gift even if it was for only 5 years.

God has a story He is writing of my life and Gaynelle is a beautiful yet painful part of the whole. Every page He pens is creating who He wants me to be-the best me. I need to offer Him the book of my life without strings attached. Francesca Battistelli expresses my sentiments as she sings, “My life is an empty page, an open book. Write your story on my heart. Make your mark.” Who am I to think I could write my story better than God? I can ask Him why He put in some of the painful parts when I see Him face to face. But I wonder if I will be like Job when God revealed Himself after all his trials. He no longer had any questions when he met God but said, “I know that you can do all things. No plan of yours can be thwarted…Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.”

All of us have our “What If’s” in life. It is human nature to wonder what life would have been like if we could change even a few things. We all have events or people who have scarred our hearts. At times, I will look back with regret at events that happened even decades ago. But I don’t want to dwell there. As I look back, I can see the hand of God guiding me; I recognize that Jesus was walking with me “through the valley of the shadow of death.” So looking back reinforces the fact that I have walked through fire and survived. I am confident that if needed, I can do it again with the one who strengthens me. I agree with the Apostle Paul when he said, “The one who calls you is faithful and He will do it.” “He who started a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.” Instead of looking back with regret, I look forward with joy and anticipation to what is to come. Rather than dwelling on “What If”, I will embrace this life I have been given for what it is and focus instead on “What’s Next.” I’m ready and excited for this next chapter to be written.

The Power of Music

Posted on June 23, 2014 by Suzanne Montgomery

It has always intrigued me how the human brain stores memories. When I least expect it, something that I haven’t thought about in years, will pop into my mind as I encounter a certain smell or sound. It’s as if I’m transported back in time again re-living the long forgotten memory. Often these snapshots into the past will make me smile but at times they bring tears if the memory is bittersweet.
This morning as I drove in to work, I had such a memory moment. On the radio, a song played that I hadn’t heard in some time. It began…”Seeking Him as a precious jewel, Lord to give up I’d be a fool, You are my all in all…” Suddenly, I was transported back to Haiti in the year 2000. I’m working in a make shift clinic set up in one of the many villages we visited on that medical mission trip. Over our lunch break, 2 of our interpreters began to sing. Diony, the young man who translated Creole for me that week, was one of the singers. They sang several songs familiar to us: old hymns mixed with newer Christian music. A few of us from the US joined in. At the time, I had never heard the song, “You Are My All in All.” The boys taught us this tune and it has stuck with me since as one of my favorites.
Another time on this same trip to Haiti, music became a channel for prayer. As we were traveling to our work site, our bus was caught in a traffic jam in Port-au-Prince. This was no great surprise, since navigating our way out of the city was a daily challenge. On this occasion though, we were surprised by what had stopped us. Along the street came a large parade of people being lead by a sort of marching band. There were school children dressed in their uniforms walking in a group behind them plus many other assorted people. Then we saw why they were there blocking the streets. Being carried high on the shoulders of several men, were two small caskets side by side. They were just large enough to hold a child the age of the school children we saw in the procession. Our hearts went out to them. We didn’t know their story but we could see before us a funeral for 2 young children being carried on through the streets. Everyone on the bus was speechless. Then moved by the Spirit, one of the pastors who accompanied us to our work sites, started to sing. He sang familiar hymns of promise and hope in the midst of great loss. We all joined in, Haitians and Americans together, to honor the lost children that we didn’t even know. It was a beautiful, sacred moment. Our songs were prayers lifted to heaven.
Much later, in 2011 when I returned to Haiti, we visited the burial site of thousands of Haitians killed in the earthquake of 2010. The place was an old stone quarry. Something had to be done quickly with the huge number of dead in the aftermath of the earthquake. They were placed in the quarry and covered in a mass grave. Today there are hundreds of black crosses to mark the spot. The wife of one of our drivers is buried there. She was a nurse and was still at work when the force of the earthquake hit. She never made it home. Her husband is left with 4 children to raise on his own. He works for the Double Harvest mission and is able to support them better than most families who lost loved ones. The sight of black crosses scattered across that bleak and deserted place, haunts me still.
I learned two things from these experiences. The power of music and the devastation of death, know no cultural bounds. Even in a country that has known as much loss as Haiti, the people mourn as we do and celebrate life as we do. It is the human condition. We are often so separated from people who are different than ourselves, that we don’t ever grasp these truths. We must step across cultural boundaries, whether in the US or abroad, to fully experience this. In this way, when tragedy strikes in another part of our world, we are not numb to it.
When I first heard about the earthquake in Haiti, my thoughts and prayers went out to those dear people I met during our mission there. These were my friends, not unknown faces far away. I may never know what happened to many of them that fateful day but I was able to find Diony on Facebook. I’m not sure where he was when the earthquake occurred but I know that he is alive and well. He ended up going to the US to study and now owns his own computer business. This was truly an answer to prayer.
Often I wonder how much good I do when I travel to a foreign country on a medical mission or to a homeless shelter in downtown Indianapolis. Wouldn’t it be better to just send money to groups that are already there helping? My small effort seems to be a drop in the massive bucket that is poverty. But I’ve found that if nothing else happens, there occurs a touching of souls between myself and the people I meet. A sense of understanding of each other transpires that cannot be acquired in any other way than to simply “be” with people different from myself yet in so many ways just the same. I don’t want to see tragedies in other parts of the world as just another news story. I want my heart to ache as Jesus’ heart aches for each of us when losses occur. My faith assures me that someday each of us will join hands with humanity as the brothers and sisters that we truly are and sing together a new song for eternity.

Nothing is Wasted

Posted on January 21, 2014 by Suzanne Montgomery

Life is full of ups and downs, victories and defeats. We tend to thank God for the blessings of our mountain tops but see our valley experiences as meaningless. But nothing is ever wasted in God’s economy. My cousin, Mona posted a comment by Anne Kubinsky of lookforthegoodproject.org on Facebook recently that spoke to this truth.

“I know people who feel like they’ve wasted years of their lives because of poor choices. They spent years in a relationship that was toxic, years with an addiction, years at a job where they weren’t fulfilled. But you have to realize, nothing you have been through is ever wasted. Your past experiences, good and bad have deposited something on the inside of you. Those challenges have sharpened you, to make you who you are today.”

As I look back over my life, I see all the pieces coming together to make me who I am. If I am honest, the sad times have had a greater impact since they knocked me off my pedestal and gave me a better perspective of the world around me. My life was very dark when I lost my youngest sister, Gaynelle when she was almost 5 years old. Her death gave me first hand experience of the heaviness that sits on your heart during grief and how it can resurface out of the blue years later. Something rekindles a memory and it all floods back for a moment. It could be a familiar smell or a scene from the past. I’m suddenly immersed in the same feelings again. But it only lasts a moment. I’ve learned to live a new “normal” years ago. However, having experienced this I know when I come across a person who has lost someone they love dearly, I have a sense of what they are going through. When you love someone deeply, you always miss them no matter how many years have passed. It’s just the way it is. Recognizing this fact and just “being” with another grieving soul can help more than anything. It doesn’t change the situation but there is nothing much worse than grieving alone. Those of us who have experienced grief are best able to help those going through it now. Grief was a challenge that sharpened me, reshaping me into who I am today.

My life has had a few big challenges like the death of my sister and a myriad of little ones. A few years back I had the unfortunate inconvenience of breaking two bones in my left leg while dirt bike riding with my husband. It’s a long story but suffice it to say I felt foolish not having on proper boots that probably would have prevented the fractures. In the end I needed a titanium rod in my tibia and a plate and screws in my ankle. This slowed me down a bit. I discovered what it is like to have difficulty raising my leg over the edge of the tub to shower. I found that PT can be extremely painful but absolutely necessary to regain function. I noticed how few shopping places have benches to sit down when I was worn out using crutches. I have a whole different perspective on physical disabilities that I would never had known if I hadn’t gone through this experience. My leg is essentially back to normal. I don’t have a permanent disability as many people do. But I have a new appreciation for what they go through every day. A place saying it is “handicap accessible” doesn’t guarantee accessibility. Little things are difficult when a person is disabled that most of us take for granted. Through this experience I can better guide my patients when they are going through a similar injury. I think it gives them hope that my ankle is doing great now.

I wouldn’t wish for any of these trials if I had the choice. I would do just about anything to have my sister back. But I can’t. I hold on to the hope that I will see her again and I know that Jesus is taking good care of her now. But I did have a choice as to whether I would let the trials make me bitter or whether I would let God use them for good. Over and over again I have seen good come after great tragedies. The tragedies are not minimized but the survivors didn’t let themselves be defeated by them. They chose to make a difference for others often in honor of those who didn’t survive. All the loving actions that have come after the Sandy Hook shooting are a good example of this. Evil has been quenched by love because the families chose to use their grief for good, not bitterness. Nothing is wasted when we allow God to use our tragedies to remold us into people of light. The apostle John gives us hope in the midst of these trials. “The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.”

The Saddest Season

Posted on December 1, 2013 by Suzanne Montgomery

We all hold in our hearts the vision of a perfect Christmas. Whether you call it Christmas or not, there is within us this longing for a gathering of our loved ones to share a meal together and connect with each other in a deep, meaningful way. In this vision, the house is decorated perfectly. All the food is delicious. And every gift is just what each person wanted.

The problem is that this is not reality. We overcook the turkey. The dog vomits on the living room floor right before our guests arrive. Our aunt who always causes trouble at every get-together is at it again. And there is someone missing from the table. Our heart aches for them while we’re trying our best to be merry.

Christmas can be the saddest season of the year.

It is statistically true and I have seen it in my practice of medicine, that symptoms of depression are highest this time of year. All our losses and heart aches come to a culmination when we recognize that we can’t have this ideal Christmas. We somehow think that everyone but us has it all together which couldn’t be further from the truth. Everyone has losses no matter who you are. And everyone can suffer from depression.

Recognition of this fact is very important. Otherwise we think we are the only ones feeling this way so we hide it. We think that if somehow we act happy, we will be. This can only last so long until we crash and burn. If we are able to see that we are one in many who suffer with depression, then we will be able to ask for help. No one can help someone if they don’t see that they need it.

When recognition of the problem happens, then help needs to be multi-disciplinary. Depression is not “fixed” by pulling yourself up by the boot straps or if you have enough faith to pray yourself out of it. Prayer needs to be a part of the treatment but not the whole of it. Seek professional counseling in whatever way you feel comfortable. Find a counselor that you can connect with and tell them about what is happening in your life. When a burden is shared, it becomes lighter. The problems are still there but you now have an advocate to help you navigate through them.

Use medication when it is warranted. There is a biochemical component of depression. Sometimes even with the best of counseling, medication is needed to balance these biochemicals. In the depths of depression, a person can barely function. Medication can help the symptoms of depression resolve more quickly so a person can get back to their normal daily activities. A therapist working together with a physician well versed in the use of antidepressants is a great team of support. However, it is good to be aware that sometimes medication can make symptoms worse in some individuals. I always counsel my patients to call me or their therapist right away if they are worsening or feel suicidal. In this situation, they must stop their medication immediately and be seen in crisis counseling.

Unfortunately, even with the best of treatment and support, there are those people who do go on to commit suicide. This is devastating to family and friends as well as the therapist and physicians who have tried to help. There is so much more we have to learn about depression and its treatment. Reality is that at times we fail to treat it.

Many years ago my cousin, John committed suicide after prolonged treatment for depression. During his funeral, his pastor described depression in a way I have never forgotten. He said that depression is like a very thick fog surrounding the person. They can’t see anyone else through this fog but themselves. Because they are so alone, they see their situation as hopeless. Suicide then becomes their best option.

Let us reach out to those we see hurting and depressed. We must give them hope so suicide isn’t their best option out. If you are that person suffering with depression, tell someone about it so you can get help. I have had to do this myself during some of the stormy times in my life. I am thankful for a wonderful therapist and medication to get me through that hard place. I am on the other side of it due to this and support from my family and the Lord who walked with me through it all. God has given us the skills and knowledge to help each other through the struggles of mental illness. Just like any other illness though, we must be willing to ask for help to be healed.

A friend’s personal inventory

Posted on October 2, 2013 by Suzanne Montgomery

This is a letter I wanted to share from Betty, a good friend of mine who I met many years ago on a Walk to Emmaus. In it she describes what she went through after suddenly losing her son, Chris, while he was yet only in high school. She would admit that it’s been a long journey of grief, but what she has learned in the process is well worth reading and taking to heart.

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Personal Inventory

I was in a group at one time called Adult Children of Alcoholics. Since my father was an alcoholic, I obviously fit right in with the issues and the dysfunctions of people growing up in an alcoholic environment. I find I still use the tools I learned in that group to reflect and analyze my thoughts. You see, those thoughts typically affect behavior in some way either consciously or sub-consciously. One of those tools is taking a Personal Inventory. The Personal Inventory is just as it sounds, a personal cleaning of house to put it in simple terms. An inventory of our lives as we see them. That is, the individual relationships we have with our parents, our children, friends, co-workers, our job, our spouse, our Pastor, our church, our sibling(s) and, most importantly, God.

But, I get ahead of myself. The Personal Inventory is the 4th step of 12 in the process of cleaning house. The actual beginning of the 12 steps is to “Admit we are powerless and our life has become unmanageable.” The next step is we “Come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity” and for me, this power is God. Step three is to “Make a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God, as we understand Him.” Then comes the point of this article, step four, “To make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” So, what does this mean? I can only tell you of my experiences with the process.

As I stated earlier, step 4 is a cleaning house of past or present obstacles that prevent me from moving forward in my life. My format for completing step 4 includes 1) Area (or relationship), 2) Description, 3) Resentments 4) Fears, 5) Appreciations and 6) Regrets. In my step 4 relationship with God, I had many struggles after my son’s death trying to understand His purpose. So, the searching and fearless moral inventory began. Searching means a thorough cleaning of behavior you would really prefer not to dig out again or feelings you might not want to admit. I didn’t want to admit the depth of my anger with God. I felt as though He had completely abandoned me. What terrible thing had I done in my life that could possibly deserve this unbearable pain? Why did He take my son and leave this immeasurable void in my soul? Those were just some of the questions I had for God. Of course I had many fears that related to my anger with God. How could I possibly be angry with God? Isn’t that just against all religious teachings? Isn’t that just the absolute worst thing I could do?

Then, I got to the Appreciation part and I realized the incredible depth of God’s love for me. Oh what love! Oh, don’t get me wrong, this didn’t happen overnight. In the first personal inventory I did, the appreciation was there but was much more surface level. It was only after about 3 to 5 years of doing an annual personal inventory that God so deeply touched my heart with His love that I understood. The Regrets portion of my God inventory are usually many. The blessing is always forgiveness. That’s God’s love.

My point of all this is that if we always look in the past, focus on a negative relationship or a negative experience, we simply miss what God has in store for us today. We miss all of God’s blessings today if we are consistently looking at what has been. In fact, we just might miss God’s calling of what He really wants us to do to glorify Him. That doesn’t mean we get rid of the memories, it simply means we get rid of the garbage that prevents us from moving forward. For instance, if I always focus on the death of my son I diminish his short life. I diminish the wonderful young man he was and all the people that were affected just by knowing him. When we constantly look back at all the negative experiences in our life we fail to see God’s grace and we diminish the life of Christ and the love He came to bring. Get rid of the garbage and there’s more room for God.

By the way, I’ll never forget my son. I know he’s in heaven with his Savior. He was a beautiful young man with a heart of gold. I know I will see him again and, after this many years, I can see how God has worked in many of the lives that were touched by Chris and his death, including mine. That’s a blessing from God!

Maybe it’s because I got rid of some of my garbage.