Category Archives: Forgiveness

Rest In Peace

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imageLife has a way of smoothing off the rough edges of our personalities. I’ve been a witness to this in my own life and have had the privilege of walking through this process with others. Sometimes I am surprised by the results.

Today we laid to rest my ex-husband’s father, Rex. Throughout the nearly 40 years that I knew him, we had not always seen eye to eye. Maybe it was our stubbornness that blocked the way to peace between us. We both could tend to be very bull headed with each other. Needless to say, after Dan and I were divorced, I didn’t have a whole lot of contact with Rex. Even though the rest of the family was reconciled with each other, neither of us sought the other out. We kept our distance. That was easier. Through the years, my children would keep me up to date with him. They told me that he had become diabetic and was having a hard time of it. Then he was diagnosed with cancer and physically he became dependent on others for his every need. It became impossible for his wife, Maxine, to continue caring for him at home so he eventually was transferred to a nursing home. His suffering seemed to go on and on. The kids told me that Grandpa had changed. Suffering will do that, for good or for bad. Suffering is one way that life smooths off the rough edges.

I was confronted with my lack of reconciliation with Rex when he had a stroke and was transferred to the hospital a little over 3 weeks ago. My daughter, Anna, called me from his room with questions about hospice. Maxine and the family were debating whether this was the right move. The hospice nurse had been in but they hadn’t heard from Rex’s doctor yet. I tried to answer their questions from my experience but in my heart, I knew I needed to do more.

As I was driving from one work site to another, there was an inner voice nudging me. It kept saying, “You need to go see Rex.” I won’t try to act as if I didn’t argue with the inner voice. Remember, I am stubborn too. But when I reached the intersection that would take me to the hospital, I turned. Isn’t that really what listening to the Spirit is all about? Turning to notice the burning bush. We must turn our attention when God calls or simply ignore the sacred places He wants to take us. He was taking me to a sacred place my humanity did not want to go.

When I walked into the room, Rex looked frail. I didn’t expect him to be the robust, giant of a man who I remembered. He had been through so much. But I also didn’t expect the peace I felt as I touched his hand. There was a gentle glow about his face. The rough edges were all gone. Here was a man who had suffered and was not afraid of death. He was transferred to hospice and faded away peacefully this last week-end with Maxine at his side.

I think the minister presiding over the memorial today said it best when he asked the rhetorical question, why is there suffering? Why do some suffer so much more than others? The answer: we don’t know. But in the process, we learn to trust, to trust in those who care for us and to trust in the God who made us. In that trust, we allow God to smooth off all our rough edges to become the beautiful person He created us to be.

Until we meet again, Rex, rest in peace.

Truth Sets Us Free

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imageMy church has started the Daniel Plan study which is a 6 week journey to a healthier life. The starting point for the study is an understanding that Jesus accepts us right where we are. No matter what our weight, no matter how unhealthy our habits, no matter what we’ve done in the past, Jesus loves us.  This is the truth and this truth should liberate us. Jesus said it himself, “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”  However, so many of us seem to believe this only in theory but don’t actualize it in our own life.  Somehow we think Jesus accepts others but the dark secrets we hold in our own souls are just too bad.  We condemn ourselves and think Jesus must condemn us too.

Nothing could be further from the truth.  If we dig into the Gospels, the story of Jesus’s ministry, we see him loving the outcasts and marginalized over and over.  He treated them just like regular people. He struck up a conversation with the Samaritan woman at the well who was ostracized by her community. He called up to Zacheus who was watching him from a sycamore tree and basically invited himself for dinner.  Zacheus was a hated tax collector. Jesus did the outrageous and the socially incorrect all the time.  He wasn’t even afraid to touch lepers.  So why do we think he would not do the same for us today?

I believe the root of the problem is unforgiveness.  Not unforgiveness of others, but unforgiveness of ourselves.  Sometimes the most difficult person to forgive is yourself.  The negative voices that reverberate in our head can be overwhelming at times. They say things like, “If people really knew you, they would think you were a bad person.”  “You say you are a believer, but why do you keep making the same mistakes over and over?”  “You’re just a failure; Jesus doesn’t really love you.”  We hang onto shame and begin to believe these lies.  We are unable to embrace the magnitude of Jesus’s love for us so we are bound in the chains of guilt.

So why is embracing acceptance so important at the starting point of the Daniel Plan? Because change just doesn’t happen in a hopeless situation. Love and acceptance liberate us to move forward. This is why a supportive community is so essential.  When we are accepted as we are, we develop trust. Trust leads to open honesty and vulnerability within our group.  We are then able to accept encouragement and accountability on our journey to a healthier life. Change is possible when we see our life though the eyes of God as precious and unique.

I see this concept played out every day as a physician.  The doctor/patient relationship is based on trust: trust in the physician’s knowledge and abilities but also trust that the patient is willing to listen and follow through with a treatment plan.  This compact of trust is sealed when the patient feels care and acceptance by their physician right where they are.  They may be a total mess physically and emotionally but if they sense that they are valued, not judged, they will be much more likely to move forward in a direction toward better health and well-being.  The converse is also true. If the patient perceives that the physician could care less about them and sees them as a hopeless case then they will see themselves as hopeless. They will simply give up and not see change as possible or worth trying. 

The doctor/patient relationship is analogous to the relationship between those people who make up “the Body of Christ”, the church.  Too many times newcomers are greeted with judgement and not love.  No wonder we often see more people leaving from the back door than are coming in our front doors.  We all enter the sanctuary of God in need.  Some of our needs are obvious but most are hidden.  Only in a community built on trust are we able to be open, honest and allow vulnerability.  When we are accepted by the church just as we are, then change is possible.  When we fall down and fail as we all will, in the accepting church, there will be many there to pick us back up and move forward again.

When the church is accepting and loving then people see Jesus through us. We are witnesses of the Truth in action and we are set free.  Free to be all that God imagined us to be.  However, as Lysa Terkeurst wrote in her book, “Unglued”, we move forward in “imperfect progress,” often two steps forward and one step back.   But that’s ok because we are loved right where we are. Believe it!

 

 

 

Speak Life

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In December, Tim and I had the opportunity to see Toby Mac in concert with two of our good friends, Kamia and Gary.  It was such a great evening listening to his band plus Mandisa, Brandon Heath and several other Christian music artists.  Toby Mac doesn’t perform your typical Christian music style since he tends to sing more hip hop and rap.  Nevertheless, his lyrics are deep and meaningful when you spend the time to listen to his message. One of his songs, “Speak Life”  particularly hits home with me. Hear his words…

“Lift your head a little higher, Spread the love like fire, Hope will fall like rain, When you speak life with the words you say.”

“Raise your thoughts a little higher, Use your words to inspire, Trouble falls like rain, When you speak life with the things you say.”

Words are powerful.  People are lifted up or torn down with words.  As kids we used to chant, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”  We all knew in our hearts that this wasn’t true.  Did we say it with the thought that somehow we could push away the pain inflicted by words? Jesus’ brother James compares the tongue to a fire. “How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire!”  Angry, hurtful words can destroy lives quicker than a forest fire.  But the converse is also true. Words used to inspire can set a life on fire for good. Even a few encouraging words can change the trajectory of a life forever.

My desire is to speak life affirming words but it’s so easy for words to spill out of my mouth without thought.  When I write I can edit my words numerous times before I publish them.  But when I speak, my editor often doesn’t catch the words before they are out.  Trying to take words back after they are spoken is like trying to put feathers back in a pillow once they are scattered to the wind. It is impossible.

Unfortunately it is often the people I know best that I have the most trouble giving these words of life.  We have too much history together.  I am sure when Peter asked Jesus how often we are to forgive, he wasn’t talking about forgiving strangers. A stranger wouldn’t often have the opportunity to wrong us more than once or twice.  If at all possible, we would stay away from them before they could wrong us again.  However, a family member has the opportunity to wrong us seven times seventy.  We are asked to forgive them every time. When we have a shared history of one wrong after another, it’s difficult to give them words of encouragement.  But in reality, these are the people who need them the most.

Speaking the truth in love can be one of the most arduous tasks.  How do you diplomatically relay that you don’t appreciate a family member’s behavior but you still love them?  We’re pretty good at accomplishing this with our kids but what if we need to have this conversation with one of the adults in our wider family circle?  I’ll admit that most times I chicken out. I’ll try to ignore the behavior or act like it didn’t happen but fume inside.  If I fume too long, then I blow up.  On the other hand, when I have taken the initiative to talk calmly with that person or if I have sat down and wrote to them how I felt, there was initial anger and denial on their part but in the long run the behavior lessened.  Our relationship was improved. But I had to continue showing them in other ways that I loved them.  In that manner, they could see that I did truly care enough to be honest with them and to stay in relationship with them.

Real love speaks life by expressing truth yet all the while affirming the worth of the person. The opposite of love is not hate.  It is indifference. I pray for the wisdom to know when and how to speak the tough words in love so that I may remain engaged in the difficult relationships in my life and not indifferent.

Forgiveness to Restoration

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A wise person once pointed out to me that forgiveness is a one way street but restoration must be two-way.  In other words, to forgive only take one party but in restoration both parties must be willing to lay down their arms and meet in the middle wherever that may be.  When we pray, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us,” we need to wrap our minds around what this really means.  In the gospel of Matthew, Jesus elaborated on this when he said that the Father forgives us in the same way we forgive others.  Forgiveness is not a suggestion but a mandate if we want to be forgiven ourselves.   In contrast, restoration, even though it is the preferred choice, is not always possible.  I can forgive someone without them even knowing it but we both have to choose to forgive for restoration.  We can’t force another to choose forgiveness.  We all have free will in this.  But isn’t it wonderful when it happens!

Recall in the Bible when Jacob was sweating bullets awaiting his inevitable reunion with his brother Esau?  Jacob had basically cheated his brother out of his birth right some 20 years before.  They hadn’t spoken since.  Does this sound like some family quarrels that end with brothers or sisters not speaking to each other for decades?  Often no one really even remembers what started the original rift but it goes on and on because no one wants to be the first to concede to the other.  Sometimes however, it is something big like the Jacob/Esau quarrel.  How do we get to restoration in a situation like this?

Take a lesson from Jacob.  You must reach out first and make contact with the other person.  As Jacob was traveling back to his homeland, he was afraid that Esau would be still angry enough to kill him and his whole family which had now grown to be quite large.  He sent ahead of his group, gifts in waves as peace offerings.  He did not approach Esau ready to fight but ready to reconcile.  It took a tremendous amount of humility, that wasn’t in Jacob’s character, to do this.  Yes, he was fearful of Esau who was much more powerful than he but he could have taken his family elsewhere and avoided Esau altogether but he didn’t.  I think that Jacob was tired of the separation and wanted to be back in his homeland.  It takes a lot of energy to keep up a quarrel with someone.  It wears you down after a while.  The same was probably true of Esau.  We’ll never know if the gift offerings made a difference in Esau’s choice to embrace his brother when they met or whether time had softened his heart.  It was probably a little of both.  Either way, peace was made between the brothers.  They weren’t buddies by any means after this but they weren’t enemies anymore either.  Their relationship was restored as best as it could be.

Jacob wrestled all night with God before he met with Esau the next morning.  Do I wrestle with God when what I need to do is not what I want to do?  Absolutely!  I want to be right.  I want to be vindicated for the wrong done to me.  I don’t want to concede anything.  I was the victim, not the perpetrator in the situation.  Why are you asking me to do this Lord?  You know what they did to me!  But then I remember the wounds in Jesus’ hands and side.  He chose to be the victim for me so that I might be forgiven and reconciled to God.  I need to do likewise.

This week I have been living in a Chalet in Ft. Benning Georgia with my ex-husband Dan, his wife Andi and Garrett’s girlfriend, Lily for Garrett’s graduation from Basic Training.  It sounds odd but it’s all good.  We have long ago resolved our differences after the divorce.  We’ve had a great time together.  What’s more important, harboring grudges or supporting our kids?  That’s a no brainer!  But many couples continue to fight decades after the divorce because they each fully believe that they were victims.  There comes a time to be humble enough to let go of the offenses for the greater good.  Besides,  look at the fun we would have missed out on.  It’s always better to celebrate together rather than insisting on a separate peace.  Reconciliation and restoration of relationship are God’s plan for us, if only we are willing to let it happen.

 

 

 

The Power to Forgive

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The civil war in Liberia was brutal and bloody. Shadrach and his family fought to survive during this time. Everything that they had ever known was gone. The Firestone Rubber Plantation that employed Shad’s father, shut down. People from one county were fighting against the people of another. Simply being from a certain county made them the enemy of another who may have in the past been their friend. Many, many children were forced to fight as soldiers. Can you imagine this? I can’t even come close. I feel it only because I have heard it but I can’t really comprehend something that is so far from my own experience. I only know that when Shadrach came to the US he was rail thin (as my grandmother would say). He had one small bag he brought with him with maybe one other set of clothes in it. This consisted of a dark pair of pants and a white long sleeved shirt we wouldn’t even give to Goodwill. He had his Bible that was given to him by Operation Classroom. That was it. Every material thing he once had called his own had been taken away. Thankfully no one in his immediate family died or was forced to fight. He still had them and he still had his faith. The war didn’t kill that too.
How many of us would be bitter after such horror? It would be difficult if not impossible not to be. But Shadrach is not bitter. He has been able to forgive and move on to heal Liberia. He tells me the people are tired of war. They don’t want to fight any longer but the country is in a shambles. There is much rebuilding needed that is going on right now to get Liberia back to the country it once was.
How has Shad been able to forgive in the midst of such devastation? Humanly speaking it would be impossible. But with God all things are possible. I find that I struggle just to forgive the little things that other people do. When a big thing comes along, I’m paralyzed. I struggled for a long time to forgive my ex-husband for things that led to our divorce. I firmly believe that the only way I have been able to forgive him is to ask God every day to help me forgive like he forgives. Forgiveness doesn’t happen in a moment. It’s a process. Little by little God cleansed my heart of the bitterness I felt. It was a painful process because He revealed to me the part I played in the divorce that I couldn’t see before. It takes me close to tears to think about it again but I truly have forgiven him. I don’t feel animosity towards him any longer when I’m around him. I haven’t forgotten what happened but those things don’t matter anymore. I’m actually planning a trip down to Fort Benning for our son’s graduation from boot camp together with my ex-husband and his wife. I few years ago I never would have imagined doing this (and wouldn’t have wanted to). God has changed my heart. Now does this mean that I don’t have trouble forgiving any more. By no means! Every time I feel that I have been wronged by someone else, I have to start the process over again asking God to help me to forgive.
I will say what I believe to be true through my own experience. To forgive is impossible for humans on our own. But when we call on the One who has forgiven us, we are given the power to forgive. Please pray that the Liberian people as a whole will ask for this power to forgive. It is the only way to heal their country.

Suzanne