Category Archives: Family

Remember the Details

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Yesterday was my little sister’s birthday. Gaynelle would have been 47 if she were still with us. It has been 42 years since she died. Such a long period of time has passed-almost half a century! Time is meaningless. For when a person is gone who was dearly loved, the love doesn’t go away with time. The pain from missing them fades but love and longing remain.

I don’t think of Gaynelle everyday as I did right after the accident but little things will remind me of her. Another child will have a blanket or scarf as she used to carry. A very blond little girl will bring back memories of her. Sometimes she just pops in my head out of nowhere and I will feel the familiar dull ache for her. I wish I could remember more of the everyday details. I don’t think I paid enough attention to all that she did when she was around. I was busy with high school and my part-time job at my dad’s airport. I never really imagined that there wouldn’t be another day to watch her and play with her. The expectation was that she would always be there, a little sister forever. But then suddenly, she was gone.

If this experience, has taught me anything, it is that life is fleeting. In one split second, my world was totally changed with all of my family. What was 5 was now 4. I don’t want  fear to turn me into one who worries at every turn what’s to happen next. Will there be other tragedies and suffering? The answer is yes. Absolutely. None of us is immune. Jesus pretty much assured it when he said, “In the world you will have trouble”. But he added, “Take heart, for I have overcome the world.”

When something bad does happen, I don’t want that experience to transform me into a worrier who doesn’t enjoy life. Instead, I want to pay attention more to the details, to take in every wonderful part of those I love and store them in my heart. Even if they are separated from me by distance or by death, they are still deep within me. Their every moment is a cherished memory to be brought out of storage and held again in joy.

I have these cherished memories with Gaynelle but I wish there were more. She was with us less than 5 years. So little time to fill me up with memories. But some people have their loved ones for a much briefer time. I think of a friend who lost her granddaughter shortly after birth. Her daughter and son-in-law only had their baby girl for a few days, not years. But they made memories in the short time they had together.

In remembering Gaynelle, I am reminded of how brief our time really is in this life. Even 70-80 years go by in a blink of an eye. Remember, remember to not take any moment for granted. Enjoy the little details-the smiles, the laughter, even the tears. I don’t know what tomorrow brings. I hope it brings many more cherished moments. But if it doesn’t, I will store all of them I have been given joyfully in my heart.

Sabbath Rest

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imageWednesday-day of rest, day of peace. Wednesday I’m out of the office. I have so much to do to get ready for Christmas but my soul needs rest.  The Lord knew we needed Sabbath.  A day of rest is not a mandate, it is a gift.  How often I do not accept this gift.  My Sabbath is caught in little bits of time set aside for contemplation, writing and prayer.  Often Wednesday mornings, even though I could sleep in, I don’t.  I get up for my breakfast and coffee.  I read a chapter of scripture and write.  If I truly want rest for my soul, I don’t check emails or Facebook.  That’s difficult sometimes.

We live in a culture that’s on the go constantly.  Our schedules are packed to the brim and overflowing.  I’m used to a schedule of 15 minute increments moving from room to room seeing patients.  This puts me in a constant state of anticipating what’s next.  I’m sure I’m not the only one on this treadmill.  I envy my friends who have retired and now set their own schedules.  I wonder sometimes if I will be bored with retirement since I am used to so much activity.  Somehow I think my retirement time will be full as well.

So how do we step out of this craziness?  I believe we do it one choice at a time.  We choose to make our schedules overly busy.  Granted some things are out of our control, but if we really look closely, many choices are ours.  I remember a particularly hectic early morning when my kids were still little.  Their dad was off to the airport to travel out of the country for his job and I had just had a call from labor and delivery that my patient was ready to start pushing.  We had to call Dan’s mom to come over to watch the kids since we both had to leave the same time.  It was 4 am!  I looked at Dan and said, “Something has to change!  Either you quit your job or I quit mine.  We can’t make a habit of doing this.”  This was an epiphany of sorts.  It wasn’t long after this that things began to change.  Dan quit his job to start his own business and I gave up OB.  Both of these choices kept us home much more.  Our lives were still super busy but not crazy busy.  There is a difference.

When my patients tell me that they can’t slow down, I give them this personal example.  Yes, everyone can slow down and set aside some Sabbath time if they choose.  Everyone has areas in their life in which they just need to say “NO”.  If we say “yes” to every request and activity, we are no good in any of them.  My first step in this direction was when I came to the realization that I don’t need to do it all.  I thought as a physician that I needed to see patients in the office, in the hospital, in the nursing home, deliver babies and try to be Super Mom.  I tried this for a while.  Believe me, it doesn’t work.  I loved my OB patients and I delivered babies for the first 10 years of practice.  But cutting this out made a huge difference.  Now if I said I was going to be somewhere, I didn’t have to worry that I would be called out.  I rarely had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night anymore.

So why did I keep doing this for 10 years?  Was it pride or was it guilt that if I didn’t do it all, I wasn’t good enough?  Maybe it was a bit of both.  But either way, thinking we must “do it all”, whatever that means to each of us, is a falsehood.  We need to just get rid of that thought right now.  Take an inventory of all your activities.  Do this with your kids activities too.  Which ones need to stay and which ones need to go?  Usually those activities that enhance relationships are keepers.  Simplify Christmas too.  Everything does not have to be perfect to be wonderful.  I need to keep telling myself this over and over.  It’s Jesus birthday.  I bet it wasn’t Mary’s idea to deliver him in a stable.  Do I need to say more?

Sabbath rest does not have to be on a Sunday but it does have to be a choice.  Soul rest is just as important as a good night’s sleep.  Now take a deep breath and find your Sabbath.

A Thanksgiving Reflection on Freedom

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imageThe meal is over. The washing of the “good” dishes is complete. And the post-turkey somnolence has hit. Various family members have found couches on which to recline. I love the tradition of Thanksgiving.  What a blessing to pause for one day to be thankful, to be grateful not just for the “things” of life but the people, past and present, who have made a positive impact on me.  It’s an excuse to slow down enough to sit with each other awhile and enjoy our favorite Thanksgiving comfort foods together.  At our house this means mashed potatoes, candied yams, cornmeal dressing, green bean casserole, corn pudding, apple salad with marshmallows and rhubarb/strawberry pie.  Pumpkin pie was substituted this year by Spiced Pumpkin Latte Cheesecake. Decadent indeed!   And of course, one must not forget turkey. 

But I have to say that I’m not much of a fan of the turkey. Don’t get me wrong. I love to eat turkey but there’s something about the process of cooking the turkey that is tedious.  The instructions on the turkey always say to thaw it in the refrigerator several days before cooking. Even if I diligently follow these directions, it seems that the center of the turkey is always still frozen.  I want to know why the neck and other sundry parts are put into the center cavity.  No one I know ever uses these parts but they are a devil to get out.  Next year maybe I’ll buy a fresh turkey. I wouldn’t have an issue with thawing it and what to do with the  “extra parts”.

We have a turkey farm just down the road from our house but they don’t sell directly to the consumer.  I often walk by the facility and see all the turkeys looking out at me.  Poor things!  At least they’re not in cages.  They can mill around among hundreds of their friends. This is all they have ever known. I don’t believe they are treated cruelly but they have never really tasted freedom. Most of us, if asked, would probably agree that it would be better for the birds to be “free range” rather than confined.

The question of whether it is better for animals to be confined or free was surprisingly discussed at length in the book, “The Life of Pi.”  The movie never really attended to this but in a chapter of the book, the main character, Pi, recalled his experience of being part of a family who owned a zoo.  He recognized that most people thought it was cruel to confine an animal.  But he had a different view.  The “cage” provided the animals with safety. As long as they had room to roam in their enclosure, they would make this area their “territory.”  The cage provided protection from predators.  Animals in the wild live with constant threats from predators but those in zoos live comfortably without this fear.

When I first read this, I saw it as a thought provoking view on the topic. The animals in the zoo are essentially given “caged comfort.”  They have no need to worry about their next meal or whether they will be the next meal for a predator.  Freedom is traded for comfort.  The animals have no choice in the matter but as a society, are we not guilty of giving up our own freedoms for comfort?  I see us relinquishing more and more of our individual freedoms to be taken care of by our government. Instead of taking personal responsibility for our problems, we seek government solutions.  I would be the first to agree that government has a purpose.  Rules must be set up to maintain a civil society.  However, we now expect much more than this.  Freedom is risky.  We must depend on individuals to step up to help the poor, feed the hungry and care for the orphans. Unfortunately many individuals have stepped back and expect that our taxes will take care of these people.  By doing this we distance ourselves from the needy and only widen the gap between rich and poor.  There are still groups within my own community that reach out to the needy taking personal responsibility for their well being.  We have Lunch Club at my church that serves meals to the children of Sheridan five days a week all during the summer and on holiday breaks from school.  We know that government food stamps and welfare can’t provide what is really needed.  The love and understanding shared when one person reaches out to help another person is lost when we depend on government to take care of our poor. 

My prayer on this Thanksgiving is that we as Americans truly recognize and cherish the freedoms we have been given.  Many individuals over the decades have died to preserve this freedom for us.  We must not take it for granted or give it away easily.  We must freely take a stand to care for each other, not depend on our government to do it for us. 

 

 

Flight into Glory

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imageLast week was my Uncle Chuck’s birthday and my cousin, Mona posted an old photo of her dad on Facebook. He’s been gone now for several years and is greatly missed.  Chuck Scales was a man of strong character with a powerful presence.  He and my dad were classmates at Purdue University in Air Transportation Engineering.  I believe that it was my dad who introduced him to his younger sister, Gaynelle who was also attending Purdue.  They were married shortly after graduation, moved down to his hometown of Huntingburg Indiana and started their family. My 3 cousins, Brad, Mona and Sheryl, are the same age as my sister and I . Tragedy struck for our families when my Aunt Gaynelle died at the age of 32.  Chuck suddenly became a single father with 3 small children.  Fortunately, a wonderful, caring women came into his life to love him and his children.  Chuck and Diane were married and she helped him raise them as her own.

Chuck’s passion was flying. Both he and my dad became accomplished pilots and both of them managed airports as their careers.  I remember many flights down to the Huntingburg airport for their annual airshow every summer.  We had great times with our cousins during our visits exploring the woods behind their house, creating plays from books we had read and playing marathon Monopoly games for days. During one such visit,  Aunt Diane and Uncle Chuck were brave enough to take all five of us kids for a drive-in movie.  We all loaded into their station wagon with pillows and blankets piled in the back. Upon arriving the girls immediately needed to go to the restroom.  Uncle Chuck used to tell us that we were members of the TWBC: the Teeny Weeny Bladder Club.  I’m still a member of that organization to this day. At the time, however, I think we just wanted an excuse to go to the concession stand to view all the candy and snacks offered there. When we were back to the car and settled in for the movie to start, it didn’t take long for us to fall asleep cuddled up in the back together.  I imagine this was the whole point of going to the movie so we would wear ourselves out.  The adults had some quiet time to enjoy the movie in peace. These are good memories indeed!

The last time I saw my Uncle Chuck, he was at Indiana University Hospital in Indianapolis.  He had been diagnosed previously with prostate cancer and it had unfortunately spread to many sites. His doctor’s were suggesting another surgery to remove some of the cancer from his abdomen.  He knew that the surgery was not going to cure him and the doctors couldn’t guarantee that it would even prolong his life.  I remember sitting by his side on a foot stool and discussing the decision he had to make.  Many family members were in the room supporting him as much as they were able.  It was Independence Day and they all watched the fireworks together that night over the city.   He eventually made the decision not to have the surgery and went home to Huntingburg with my aunt Diane to care for him. It wasn’t long until he passed away. I was glad to have the opportunity to sit quietly with him that day by his bedside. It was a special moment that I will never forget.

Later my nephew, Nick gave my Aunt Diane a painting in honor of my uncle. It depicted an airplane, like the one he often flew, climbing up through the clouds.  The color of the sky was that of a sunrise with beautiful shades of oranges and purples.  It’s was an image of Chuck’s flight into glory. I’m sure my uncle would have seen this as a fitting tribute to a life well lived. <3