What if we could rewrite our story? Would we get it any better the second time around? Even a small decision can make a large impact. The things that we consider as “bad” decisions or the tragedies in our lives, lead us in directions we might not have taken otherwise. Our decisions not only change where we are but they change who we are and they affect everyone around us. Andy Andrews in his book “The Butterfly Effect” describes several true scenarios in history that seemed inconsequential at the time but changed the course of events to come dramatically. Joshua Chamberlain’s choice to stand his ground at Gettysburg with his meager group of Union soldiers, turned the tide for the North to move on to victory in this battle and eventually, the Civil war. If the North had not won at Gettysburg, what would the USA be today? Would we be a world power or divided into numerous small countries like Europe? It’s mind-boggling to contemplate the impact of that one decision by one man so long ago.
In my own life, I am aware of the impact of many of my decisions. Yes, I have often wondered what the consequences would be if I was able to rewrite parts of my story. If we had not traveled to the city of Lebanon that icy February in 1975 to attend a band concert, would my sister Gaynelle still be alive today? If my mom had been driving instead of me, would she have been able to control the car on slick pavement?
What if, what if…? This is the question that hounds our souls! My sister would have been 44 years old now. I wonder if she were here, whether she would have a family and whether I would have more nieces and nephews to love. Only God knows the answers to my questions. I remember Dad saying not long after Gaynelle’s death that he wondered if she had been saved from something worse by dying when she was only 5 years old. Perhaps she was shielded from unimaginable suffering she would have endured had she continued to live here on earth. Would she choose to stay knowing what she knows now? Even though I’m sure that she would want to be with us, I imagine she would choose heaven. She has seen the “other side of the veil.” She knows Jesus face to face. How magnificent that would be! She also knows that in a very brief amount of time compared to eternity, we will be with her again. What is our hope, is her reality. But I still miss her even after all these years. I long to hold her, laugh with her and tell her that I have loved her always even in her absence. I haven’t forgotten the joy she brought into the world. She was a gift even if it was for only 5 years.
God has a story He is writing of my life and Gaynelle is a beautiful yet painful part of the whole. Every page He pens is creating who He wants me to be-the best me. I need to offer Him the book of my life without strings attached. Francesca Battistelli expresses my sentiments as she sings, “My life is an empty page, an open book. Write your story on my heart. Make your mark.” Who am I to think I could write my story better than God? I can ask Him why He put in some of the painful parts when I see Him face to face. But I wonder if I will be like Job when God revealed Himself after all his trials. He no longer had any questions when he met God but said, “I know that you can do all things. No plan of yours can be thwarted…Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.”
All of us have our “What If’s” in life. It is human nature to wonder what life would have been like if we could change even a few things. We all have events or people who have scarred our hearts. At times, I will look back with regret at events that happened even decades ago. But I don’t want to dwell there. As I look back, I can see the hand of God guiding me; I recognize that Jesus was walking with me “through the valley of the shadow of death.” So looking back reinforces the fact that I have walked through fire and survived. I am confident that if needed, I can do it again with the one who strengthens me. I agree with the Apostle Paul when he said, “The one who calls you is faithful and He will do it.” “He who started a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.” Instead of looking back with regret, I look forward with joy and anticipation to what is to come. Rather than dwelling on “What If”, I will embrace this life I have been given for what it is and focus instead on “What’s Next.” I’m ready and excited for this next chapter to be written.
