I grew up during the time period when women’s rights came of age. I graduated from high school in 1976 and opportunities were just opening up for females in male dominated fields. It had not been long before that people joked about women going to college to get their “MRS” degree. When I first began talking about going to med school, I’m not sure anyone really took me seriously. Even after I was accepted into Indiana University School of Medicine, my grandmother kept referring to me going to nursing school. At that time med school was still primarily a male domain and I don’t think it registered with her that this was even a possibility for me. During my interview with IU, I was asked how long I planned to practice medicine and if I would continue after I had children. This type of questioning would be frowned upon now but in the late 70’s, it was the norm.
When I started in medical school, it was expected that the females would emulate their male counterparts. Our femininity was set aside to be able to compete with our peers. Accepted behavior was to remain detached from our patients and to not let our emotions show. It was stoic paternalism at its worst. It wasn’t long before all of the students, females and males, began to question this among ourselves. When one of the patients cared for by my team at the VA, who was only in his 30’s, died of a viral cardiomyopathy that destroyed his heart, we were all devastated. We had become quite attached to him since he had been in the ICU for over a month under our care. On the night he died we were on duty and every single one of us cried at the loss. How could we not?
Staying detached really became impossible after I graduated and began seeing patients in our Family Medicine resident’s clinic. As I saw these patients regularly over that 3 year period, I enjoyed learning about their families. They would tell me stories of their lives. I delivered their babies and shared in their joys as well as their losses. I became attached to them as much as they did to me. I came to realize that my femininity was actually an asset, not a liability as I had been brainwashed into believing in med school. A sense of nurturing and caregiving was absolutely necessary in primary care, not characteristics to be shunned. The assumption of my mentors in medical school was that we had to remain detached from our patients so we could make objective decisions for them. I would contend that if I remained detached, I really would not know my patients and it would be impossible for me make informed, objective decisions with them. You might note that I used the word “with” not “for” my patients. So much has shifted in the thinking about the doctor/patient relationship over the last 30 years. We now talk of mutual decision making by both the physician and the patient. Women physicians were doing this all along because this was how we communicated with our patients in the first place.
It took me some time to break out of the mold defined for me in the world of Medicine when I first began this career. It was an epiphany when I came to realize that what I brought to the table by the very fact that I was a woman was good and that I should not be ashamed of myself in any way. I believe many women of my generation went through this same process of redefining their womanhood. Yes, we stepped into man’s domain but we did’t have to become like men to succeed in it. We just needed to be ourselves. We enhance our careers by bringing a feminine way of thinking into them. We don’t need to dominate over the men in our chosen fields but we need to add to the mix an insight that only women can. We only ask for acknowledgement that we are capable, not by turning ourselves into men but by being the women we were meant to be.
Unfortunately I see a different kind of confusion about womanhood in the young women of today. Whereas my generation erred by trying to remake ourselves into our male counterparts, many of the millennials present themselves as overly feminine in a sensual way. They dress in scanty, revealing clothing in the name of fashion. Whereas we tried to move away from women being seen as sex objects, the present generation seems to not realize that their actions move us back into this mindset.
How can we find a middle ground? I believe the solution is for women, young and old, to be confident in who we are. We need to stop trying to be people that we are not. We must embrace real womanhood, not hiding behind a facade created to please society. Women bring beauty and softness to the world. We are a nurturing, caring, persistent group who stand up to fight for those we love. Let us not forget who we really are.
