In December, Tim and I had the opportunity to see Toby Mac in concert with two of our good friends, Kamia and Gary.  It was such a great evening listening to his band plus Mandisa, Brandon Heath and several other Christian music artists.  Toby Mac doesn’t perform your typical Christian music style since he tends to sing more hip hop and rap.  Nevertheless, his lyrics are deep and meaningful when you spend the time to listen to his message. One of his songs, “Speak Life”  particularly hits home with me. Hear his words…

“Lift your head a little higher, Spread the love like fire, Hope will fall like rain, When you speak life with the words you say.”

“Raise your thoughts a little higher, Use your words to inspire, Trouble falls like rain, When you speak life with the things you say.”

Words are powerful.  People are lifted up or torn down with words.  As kids we used to chant, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”  We all knew in our hearts that this wasn’t true.  Did we say it with the thought that somehow we could push away the pain inflicted by words? Jesus’ brother James compares the tongue to a fire. “How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire!”  Angry, hurtful words can destroy lives quicker than a forest fire.  But the converse is also true. Words used to inspire can set a life on fire for good. Even a few encouraging words can change the trajectory of a life forever.

My desire is to speak life affirming words but it’s so easy for words to spill out of my mouth without thought.  When I write I can edit my words numerous times before I publish them.  But when I speak, my editor often doesn’t catch the words before they are out.  Trying to take words back after they are spoken is like trying to put feathers back in a pillow once they are scattered to the wind. It is impossible.

Unfortunately it is often the people I know best that I have the most trouble giving these words of life.  We have too much history together.  I am sure when Peter asked Jesus how often we are to forgive, he wasn’t talking about forgiving strangers. A stranger wouldn’t often have the opportunity to wrong us more than once or twice.  If at all possible, we would stay away from them before they could wrong us again.  However, a family member has the opportunity to wrong us seven times seventy.  We are asked to forgive them every time. When we have a shared history of one wrong after another, it’s difficult to give them words of encouragement.  But in reality, these are the people who need them the most.

Speaking the truth in love can be one of the most arduous tasks.  How do you diplomatically relay that you don’t appreciate a family member’s behavior but you still love them?  We’re pretty good at accomplishing this with our kids but what if we need to have this conversation with one of the adults in our wider family circle?  I’ll admit that most times I chicken out. I’ll try to ignore the behavior or act like it didn’t happen but fume inside.  If I fume too long, then I blow up.  On the other hand, when I have taken the initiative to talk calmly with that person or if I have sat down and wrote to them how I felt, there was initial anger and denial on their part but in the long run the behavior lessened.  Our relationship was improved. But I had to continue showing them in other ways that I loved them.  In that manner, they could see that I did truly care enough to be honest with them and to stay in relationship with them.

Real love speaks life by expressing truth yet all the while affirming the worth of the person. The opposite of love is not hate.  It is indifference. I pray for the wisdom to know when and how to speak the tough words in love so that I may remain engaged in the difficult relationships in my life and not indifferent.