A wise person once pointed out to me that forgiveness is a one way street but restoration must be two-way. In other words, to forgive only take one party but in restoration both parties must be willing to lay down their arms and meet in the middle wherever that may be. When we pray, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us,” we need to wrap our minds around what this really means. In the gospel of Matthew, Jesus elaborated on this when he said that the Father forgives us in the same way we forgive others. Forgiveness is not a suggestion but a mandate if we want to be forgiven ourselves. In contrast, restoration, even though it is the preferred choice, is not always possible. I can forgive someone without them even knowing it but we both have to choose to forgive for restoration. We can’t force another to choose forgiveness. We all have free will in this. But isn’t it wonderful when it happens!
Recall in the Bible when Jacob was sweating bullets awaiting his inevitable reunion with his brother Esau? Jacob had basically cheated his brother out of his birth right some 20 years before. They hadn’t spoken since. Does this sound like some family quarrels that end with brothers or sisters not speaking to each other for decades? Often no one really even remembers what started the original rift but it goes on and on because no one wants to be the first to concede to the other. Sometimes however, it is something big like the Jacob/Esau quarrel. How do we get to restoration in a situation like this?
Take a lesson from Jacob. You must reach out first and make contact with the other person. As Jacob was traveling back to his homeland, he was afraid that Esau would be still angry enough to kill him and his whole family which had now grown to be quite large. He sent ahead of his group, gifts in waves as peace offerings. He did not approach Esau ready to fight but ready to reconcile. It took a tremendous amount of humility, that wasn’t in Jacob’s character, to do this. Yes, he was fearful of Esau who was much more powerful than he but he could have taken his family elsewhere and avoided Esau altogether but he didn’t. I think that Jacob was tired of the separation and wanted to be back in his homeland. It takes a lot of energy to keep up a quarrel with someone. It wears you down after a while. The same was probably true of Esau. We’ll never know if the gift offerings made a difference in Esau’s choice to embrace his brother when they met or whether time had softened his heart. It was probably a little of both. Either way, peace was made between the brothers. They weren’t buddies by any means after this but they weren’t enemies anymore either. Their relationship was restored as best as it could be.
Jacob wrestled all night with God before he met with Esau the next morning. Do I wrestle with God when what I need to do is not what I want to do? Absolutely! I want to be right. I want to be vindicated for the wrong done to me. I don’t want to concede anything. I was the victim, not the perpetrator in the situation. Why are you asking me to do this Lord? You know what they did to me! But then I remember the wounds in Jesus’ hands and side. He chose to be the victim for me so that I might be forgiven and reconciled to God. I need to do likewise.
This week I have been living in a Chalet in Ft. Benning Georgia with my ex-husband Dan, his wife Andi and Garrett’s girlfriend, Lily for Garrett’s graduation from Basic Training. It sounds odd but it’s all good. We have long ago resolved our differences after the divorce. We’ve had a great time together. What’s more important, harboring grudges or supporting our kids? That’s a no brainer! But many couples continue to fight decades after the divorce because they each fully believe that they were victims. There comes a time to be humble enough to let go of the offenses for the greater good. Besides, look at the fun we would have missed out on. It’s always better to celebrate together rather than insisting on a separate peace. Reconciliation and restoration of relationship are God’s plan for us, if only we are willing to let it happen.
