A friend’s personal inventory

This is a letter I wanted to share from Betty, a good friend of mine who I met many years ago on a Walk to Emmaus.  In it she describes what she went through after suddenly losing her son, Chris, while he was yet only in high school.   She would admit that it’s been a long journey of grief, but what she has learned in the process is well worth reading and taking to heart.
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Personal Inventory
I was in a group at one time called Adult Children of Alcoholics.  Since my father was an alcoholic, I obviously fit right in with the issues and the dysfunctions of people growing up in an alcoholic environment.  I find I still use the tools I learned in that group to reflect and analyze my thoughts.  You see, those thoughts typically affect behavior in some way either consciously or sub-consciously.  One of those tools is taking a Personal Inventory.  The Personal Inventory is just as it sounds, a personal cleaning of house to put it in simple terms.  An inventory of our lives as we see them.  That is, the individual relationships we have with our parents, our children, friends, co-workers, our job, our spouse, our Pastor, our church, our sibling(s) and, most importantly, God.
But, I get ahead of myself.  The Personal Inventory is the 4th step of 12 in the process of cleaning house.  The actual beginning of the 12 steps is to “Admit we are powerless and our life has become unmanageable.”  The next step is we “Come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity” and for me, this power is God.  Step three is to “Make a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God, as we understand Him.”    Then comes the point of this article, step four, “To make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”  So, what does this mean?  I can only tell you of my experiences with the process.
As I stated earlier, step 4 is a cleaning house of past or present obstacles that prevent me from moving forward in my life. My format for completing step 4 includes 1) Area (or relationship), 2) Description, 3) Resentments 4) Fears, 5) Appreciations and 6) Regrets.  In my step 4 relationship with God, I had many struggles after my son’s death trying to understand His purpose.  So, the searching and fearless moral inventory began.  Searching means a thorough cleaning of behavior you would really prefer not to dig out again or feelings you might not want to admit.  I didn’t want to admit the depth of my anger with God.  I felt as though He had completely abandoned me.  What terrible thing had I done in my life that could possibly deserve this unbearable pain?  Why did He take my son and leave this immeasurable void in my soul?  Those were just some of the questions I had for God.  Of course I had many fears that related to my anger with God.  How could I possibly be angry with God?  Isn’t that just against all religious teachings?  Isn’t that just the absolute worst thing I could do?
Then, I got to the Appreciation part and I realized the incredible depth of God’s love for me.  Oh what love!  Oh, don’t get me wrong, this didn’t happen overnight.  In the first personal inventory I did, the appreciation was there but was much more surface level.  It was only after about 3 to 5 years of doing an annual personal inventory that God so deeply touched my heart with His love that I understood.  The Regrets portion of my God inventory are usually many.  The blessing is always forgiveness.  That’s God’s love.
My point of all this is that if we always look in the past, focus on a negative relationship or a negative experience, we simply miss what God has in store for us today.  We miss all of God’s blessings today if we are consistently looking at what has been.  In fact, we just might miss God’s calling of what He really wants us to do to glorify Him.  That doesn’t mean we get rid of the memories, it simply means we get rid of the garbage that prevents us from moving forward.  For instance, if I always focus on the death of my son I diminish his short life.  I diminish the wonderful young man he was and all the people that were affected just by knowing him.  When we constantly look back at all the negative experiences in our life we fail to see God’s grace and we diminish the life of Christ and the love He came to bring.   Get rid of the garbage and there’s more room for God.
By the way, I’ll never forget my son.  I know he’s in heaven with his Savior.  He was a beautiful young man with a heart of gold.  I know I will see him again and, after this many years, I can see how God has worked in many of the lives that were touched by Chris and his death, including mine.  That’s a blessing from God!
Maybe it’s because I got rid of some of my garbage.
  Chris' school picture.jpg
Chris Canter
06/28/70
to
02/06/86
Love,
Betty

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